I’m a little incredibly cynical at times. This especially transpires into relationships and declarations of love. My issue is, and I say this without an ounce of ego or bigheadedness is how quickly people are to say ‘I love you’ these days. I’ve been there, and it just gets awkward. If you don’t say it back, they’re offended. And if you do, and don’t mean it, you’re a bit of a prick.

Modern day dating tends to go something like this:

Downloads Tinder. Swipes right on the majority. Flirt. Meet up. Don’t really know if you’re dating. Text a bit more. Oh look you’re together.

There’s a shag or two in there as well.

In previous relationships I’ve been told ‘I love you’ in a variety of ways. A couple years ago I was with a girl who moved herself into my flat without me really knowing much about it. Don’t ask. So I go to the bathroom for a wee while she heads off to shower in the other. Beep beep beep. She’s text me? Right. Not that weird I suppose, we seem to be familiar with texting the person next to us. Yet in that text she tells me she thinks she loves me. Oh life.

Before moving van I was with a girl I’m still friends with now. My only ex in fact that I could happily sit and chat to. It’s nice, I like it. I’m not one to hold a grudge after all. Although she is one example I’d like to use in regards to soppy declarations. A little while ago I went back to visit my parents, and in doing so decided to throw out a load of stuff hidden in the depths of my bedroom. Including a Valentine’s day card from Lucy*. In that card she wrote things like ‘forever yours’ and made reference to this life together which at the time didn’t have an expiration date.

Would I write promises like that in return? Well, no.

Maybe I’m too negative? Maybe I just hold little belief in these things? Or maybe I’m a realist.

I think I’m that person with a logical head on that would suggest a prenup to avoid war at a later date. Is that me not believing in love? Maybe. Who knows. But what I do know is that through all the lesbian shit-storms, the emotional rollercoasters and endless drama, I’ve learnt a few things. Looking back, I question my feelings for the people I’ve been with. Did I love them? Was it temporary love? Like a luke-warm bath. Not quite love but they’re not in the friendzone. The thing is, when we talk about ‘love’ – whatever that may be – we can’t let go of ‘The One’. So in light of that, maybe I did love them, but just not to my full capacity. You know, like the way we look at pizza.

 

*Of course I’m going to change her name.

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