Scouting for lesbians isn’t easy.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m looking in all the wrong places. Where do lesbians meet each other? And why do I continue to find psychopaths?

A gay guy I know often refers to his ‘boyfriends’ he’s in conversation with, reminding me each time which one he’s talking about by telling me a specific attribute or detail to ring a bell in my mind. He meets them on Tinder or Grindr usually, swapping numbers pretty quickly and falling into a pattern of sending pictures, meeting up and seeing where it goes. Now, I’m either ugly as fu*k and unable to get enough swipes right to equal a date, or there are limited lesbians around. Or like me, they’re also looking in the wrong place.

Dating websites and apps can be full of crazy lesbians. So where else do we go? Gay bars? That’s alright if you want a snog with someone you’ll more than likely be avoiding the next week.

Otherwise, we’re pretty much pushed out in the wilderness, with just our gaydars for company. As we attempt to clock anyone remotely gay within a reasonable radius, failing miserably and hitting on straight girls. This is something that is particularly difficult when you spot someone hot and they’re at work. You know that girl in Starbucks you’ve had your eye on? That girl in your favourite restaurant? Or behind the bar in your local? Gays are hard to spot when they’re in uniform or in work attire. A girl in a suit or smart shirt is hot, but that doesn’t mean she’s batting for our team.

So, really, working lesbians are deceiving for us with the shittest gaydars known to man. It is totally unfair to dress smart (aka, hot) without giving us some sort of gay signal. Short nails? That’s not enough these days. Girls like me need more than that, so if you’re hot, gay and single, just grab my arse on the way past instead of smiling sweetly. Because my gaydar can’t differentiate your gayness from good customer service.