Oh hey, it’s story time.

I’ve had this one saved for a while, it’s a firm favourite story amongst my friends and just needs to be shared. 

So here goes. Where do I start…

I may have mentioned Sarah* before. I met her while I was sort of seeing her best friend. Awkward. Little did I know she would move herself into my flat and take over my life. I’m not even joking. One day her Nan just turned up with a sh*t load of stuff and that was that.

So, one night we’re supposed to be going on a night out with one of my housemates. I lived with two guys before my +1 decided to move in. Instead, Dan* goes out with a bunch of people and leaves Sarah, David* and myself at home. As it gets later, we change our minds and head out to a local gay bar. After far too many tequilas, we head home.

My bedroom was technically the lounge of the flat. Big enough to house a two seater sofa, a reclining armchair and a double bed, with enough room to still swing a decently sized cat. As we all flop into my bedroom, feeling the effects of the evening’s alcohol, my bed becomes a mess of bodies too lazy to move. Eventually, Sarah and myself decide enough is enough.

At this point, we’re in bed and David is sprawled along the bottom. Sarah moans and tells him to move. He refuses.

“Either get in the bed or go to your room,” she huffs. Unfortunately for me, he decides the bed is the best option and gets in beside me. Now, Sarah wasn’t the smallest of girls. So you can imagine my discomfort. Here we are, three in a bed and she starts trying it on with me. At this point I sort of forget he’s there, until he decides to join in.

Somehow during this time we all shuffle around, and I, being drunk and shattered sit back for a moment. Only to see my girlfriend sucking off my housemate. I’m afraid surreal doesn’t cover it. Shortly after, the whole thing kinda breaks itself up (Thank the fucking lord). David rests his weary post-blow-job head, thinking this is where we’re all staying. No no. I tell him to get out, gather his clothes and go to his room, go naked for all I care. 

I turn to my girlfriend, and say: “You can go brush your teeth and not come anywhere near me.” 

 *of course I’m going to change their names.

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