Once upon a time I was trying my hardest to be straight. But instead, I landed myself in a variety of awkward situations. If anything, this has made me the favourite story-teller of my friend group. So where do I begin?

Let’s go way back. A friend of mine was staying at my house and told me she had just signed up to a dating site. Me, being me, wanted to see what she had written on her profile (and most likely edit it). She wouldn’t let me. Instead, I make my own account to have a snoop. Little old straight me started talking to a guy called Tim*, a trainee paramedic who wasn’t bad looking if that was the type of tree I wanted to bark up. Fast forward, we meet up a few times, he tells me he loves me in less than a week. I inwardly scream  fuckkkkkk. 

One day in particular, he conveniently gets stuck, unable to get home. At no older than 17/18, I’m a little unsure how to get rid of this unwanted bloke in my car. And so, he comes back to my house. Thankfully (I think at first), he falls asleep. I however, lay awake for hours. I try sleep, and fail. Get up out of bed, set up camp in the bathroom and throw up. A few hours later, at a reasonable hour, he turns to me:

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I had a massive hard on all night and I didn’t know if you noticed…”

And that was the point I realised being poked by a boner could make you vomit. If I wasn’t sure if I was gay before…

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