Once upon a time I was seeing this girl for ever-so-slightly selfish reasons. I was being paid to write about dating and somehow this girl struck up a conversation with me. Now, this was so long ago now I can’t even recall which at-the-time lesbian app/website it was. Nevertheless, we meet up, she comes back to my flat and we sat watching something stupid.

At this point, we get on alright. You know, on the same sort of level as you get on with say, your postman. They don’t set your world alight. So, it gets late and awkwardly she decides to stay. To fill the silence (or so I thought), we sleep together.

During what is now probably one of my top 10 awkward life moments she remains silent. I’ll admit I can be a little noisy, so I decide to tone down the volume on my own sex-dial for this occasion. And still, she is silent. To the point where I even contemplated asking that question nobody wants to ask:

‘Is this good for you?’

You’re probably thinking: Well you must be shit in bed. 

I’m not going to blow my own trumpet… However, even more awkwardly, her best friend (who I later dated/suffered) informed me said sex-mute had told her all about it.

AND THAT WAS HER HAVING A GREAT TIME. Oh. Dear lord.

So, the moral of the story? Well, I’m not even sure if I’m honest with you. Maybe, don’t try fill awkward silences with sex as that will simply result in even more awkward silence.

 

 

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