Some time ago now I was seeing this girl I had been approached by on a night out. Instantly my best friend hated the sound of her. And for good reason. I’ve written about her before, she was the butt plug retriever and the one obsessed with the curtains. But enough about that. Recently I moved house, with the help of said best friend and we were discussing the hatred of my ex girlfriend. She couldn’t explain what it was she didn’t like:

“The second you said you met someone I just didn’t like the sound of her…”

She had said so eloquently.

It was then I had a little flashback. I had forgotten all about it until that moment. During the time we were seeing each other, I was running a website that accepted anonymous sex stories. One day, Danni* decided to take it upon herself to submit a story of her own. I knew immediately it was her for several reasons: The style of language, the fact she referred to herself as “the man eater” (whore) and that my website tracked the submission to the exact town she lived in. Oh how convenient, right.

It went something like this…

“This isn’t cringeworthy, nor is it embarrassing. For me it was pretty much the best night I’ve shared with someone in a crazy long time. It’s not very often you connect with someone so special. She was beautiful, gentle and had the best personality you could imagine. The best personality you would hope for in your soulmate.”

As she continued, it only became more cringey.

“She was my first. The first girl, that is… I couldn’t help how right it just felt. I was so nervous but I wanted to do everything in my power to make her feel like the only one.

I have never had something so amazing against my lips. If I were on death row, she would be my last meal. It felt like Christmas morning when she came.”

Now, reading this in my inbox was something I was so grateful for having done alone. I couldn’t help but laugh. I don’t think I had ever read something so awkward. And the worst part? I had faked it. 

There was more, but I’ve shown you the best bits.

Still intrigued? Drop me a comment and I might post the rest… 


*Of course I’m going to change her name.


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